You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
