Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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