So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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