I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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