he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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