Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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