I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
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When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
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She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.