okay pat passed out under dana's car
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
