I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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