I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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