I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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