what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
