fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
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All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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