I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
MIDGETS
????
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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