if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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