I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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