If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
