saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
