I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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