Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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