I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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