My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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