So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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