she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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