I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
