I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
