Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
