That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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