you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
