I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
