Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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