wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
