i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
