I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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