other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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