Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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