I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
