I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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