My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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