there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I smell like Dick and happiness
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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