i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
