why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
