My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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