While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
