i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
