I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
