I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
