i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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