does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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