My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
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he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
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Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie