You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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