I just pynch a tree in the face
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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