So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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