I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
ttyl tear gas
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
